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Thursday, 4 March 2010

All Piled Up.

A lot of things has been happening this couple of weeks. The first and foremost of them: I got completely and utterly confused. I really, really don't like talking about myself but I have to say: I don't get confused very often. And being this confused... really sucks.
Okay here's what happened:
First off: I had to finish off 3 really long, really hard, really seemingly pointless(to me) courseworks which were all due on the same day. I don't mind finishing them, but if the following events did not happen right after them... I might not be this confused. Owh and I also got a warning that year 11s won't be having a study leave... well, we will but for one day -.-'. The events that followed:
I had a big fight with my mum... I know I shouldn't have snapped, but I guess it happens when you hold things in for so long. Umi criticized one of my coursework: the one I worked hardest on, the Business Studies one. I don't know if it was intentional of what but it felt like she couldn't see how much I worked on it and focused mainly on the fact that I added my own twist on it to grab the examiner's attention. But if I'm in the wrong, I'm really sorry. I really, really am.
After that, I started noticing how someone I like began to respond less and less to me; less talk time (Even though this is partly my fault as I don't know how to have a conversation), less hang outs, and most of all: less and less happiness. I get happy whenever I even talk to or even see this person but I don't know if they do too: initial source of confusion. I can't ask. I can't go any further than this. I can't give up either. I don't want to.
This person's best friend tried to help; they said that it was pointless in not giving up. THAT made my day -.-'. But if the BEST friend thinks that way... I really don't know what else I can do. - second source of confusion.
Afterwards, I just laid back on the bed and started thinking. Everything just rushed at me: that person doesn't like me. They have all these other people in their life who is so much better for them. I'm just going to be a source of annoyance... And I want them to be happy...
Then, I did what I should have done from the very beginning: I turned to Allah. I asked him to point me in the right direction... To show me what I should do. 5 minutes later, I got a very strange phone call of which the content won't be revealed but I can tell you this: It was the 3rd source of my utter confusion and one of the major ones.
Then things in school got boring... I didn't try to look for that person anymore so that I didn't bother them. I stayed away from my friends to relax my mind but that had the opposite effect... It just made me think more. I had a talk with my best mate about it... He was of some help and comfort but he mostly made a joke of it. I love him, but I'll kill him one day. He became as confused as I was. -.-' And then I asked him to tell me about his problems... he told me... - 4th source of confusion. I want to help him... but in my current state, I'd just make it worst.
Now, I haven't even been online yet. I can't risk it.
I don't know if I should have posted this or not... But I needed to get it out. It was suffocating.
It just feels like everything piled up all at once...
Owh... I'm sick too.

2 comments:

Farida Anum. said...

....?

Kinza *ยบ• said...

could have tried, talking to me. but you wouldn't. =)

 
 
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