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Thursday, 4 March 2010

All Piled Up.

A lot of things has been happening this couple of weeks. The first and foremost of them: I got completely and utterly confused. I really, really don't like talking about myself but I have to say: I don't get confused very often. And being this confused... really sucks.
Okay here's what happened:
First off: I had to finish off 3 really long, really hard, really seemingly pointless(to me) courseworks which were all due on the same day. I don't mind finishing them, but if the following events did not happen right after them... I might not be this confused. Owh and I also got a warning that year 11s won't be having a study leave... well, we will but for one day -.-'. The events that followed:
I had a big fight with my mum... I know I shouldn't have snapped, but I guess it happens when you hold things in for so long. Umi criticized one of my coursework: the one I worked hardest on, the Business Studies one. I don't know if it was intentional of what but it felt like she couldn't see how much I worked on it and focused mainly on the fact that I added my own twist on it to grab the examiner's attention. But if I'm in the wrong, I'm really sorry. I really, really am.
After that, I started noticing how someone I like began to respond less and less to me; less talk time (Even though this is partly my fault as I don't know how to have a conversation), less hang outs, and most of all: less and less happiness. I get happy whenever I even talk to or even see this person but I don't know if they do too: initial source of confusion. I can't ask. I can't go any further than this. I can't give up either. I don't want to.
This person's best friend tried to help; they said that it was pointless in not giving up. THAT made my day -.-'. But if the BEST friend thinks that way... I really don't know what else I can do. - second source of confusion.
Afterwards, I just laid back on the bed and started thinking. Everything just rushed at me: that person doesn't like me. They have all these other people in their life who is so much better for them. I'm just going to be a source of annoyance... And I want them to be happy...
Then, I did what I should have done from the very beginning: I turned to Allah. I asked him to point me in the right direction... To show me what I should do. 5 minutes later, I got a very strange phone call of which the content won't be revealed but I can tell you this: It was the 3rd source of my utter confusion and one of the major ones.
Then things in school got boring... I didn't try to look for that person anymore so that I didn't bother them. I stayed away from my friends to relax my mind but that had the opposite effect... It just made me think more. I had a talk with my best mate about it... He was of some help and comfort but he mostly made a joke of it. I love him, but I'll kill him one day. He became as confused as I was. -.-' And then I asked him to tell me about his problems... he told me... - 4th source of confusion. I want to help him... but in my current state, I'd just make it worst.
Now, I haven't even been online yet. I can't risk it.
I don't know if I should have posted this or not... But I needed to get it out. It was suffocating.
It just feels like everything piled up all at once...
Owh... I'm sick too.


Farida Anum. said...


Anonymous said...

could have tried, talking to me. but you wouldn't. =)

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